Not Ready

Today we will attend the viewing for the father of our friends who lost him unexpectedly earlier this week. Our own memories and pain are still so fresh, and I am bracing myself emotionally for it. Attending the viewing is not something we want to do. It is something we need to do for our friends. We took dinner over to them last night and were able to talk awhile with them. It is like we are back in our own nightmare of last month. When is this going to stop? I cannot recall any other time in my life when this many painful goodbyes have happened this close together. It seems like our lives are stuck on repeat. When is this horrible carousel ride going to end?

Sorrow

A good friend lost his dad late last night. It is heartbreaking. While the situation is different from Curt's dad, it is the same in that it was completely unexpected. A shock. My heart breaks for them. Today, they are planning the arrangements and sifting through pictures & memories. It was only 38 days ago that we were in the same situation, doing the same things. When Curt and I talked this morning, he commented on how he didn't want to do this, didn't want to have to face his friend, didn't want to go through another viewing, another funeral, another burial, didn't want the deep pain of his own hurt to resurface, but knows he can't turn away from the grief and that he needs to be there for his friend. We know how much we depended on the love, support, kind words, embraces, and prayers of others. We know how much those people carried us through our grief. We need to do the same. Still, it hurts. We hurt for them, even thought we are still hurting ourselves. Our grief is still fresh, yet our grief has also given us a compassion and understanding that we wouldn't really understand without experiencing it for ourselves. We hate that we understand what they are going through, that they now are in the midst of this dark, painful time. Which is why we will constantly lift them up in prayer, shower them with love, be a shoulder to cry on, and a listening ear. They were there for us when we needed them. We will be there for them when they need us.

And Here I Thought it was Over

You would think by the title of this post that I am referencing the Colts game last night. While the above title may ring true for the game, that is not what this post is about. Although it was a great ending to a game!

I thought our busyness was going to be done in two weeks. I was wrong. Brock tonight tried out for this wrestling team where only one kid from each weight class are on it. He made it. I thought for sure he wouldn't. It is a tryout where winner takes all. The kids wrestle, and wrestle, and wrestle, and wrestle until there is only one kid left. And that kid was Brock. While I am happy for him, I thought for sure he wouldn't keep on winning.

Why? Because he isn't feeling the greatest. The school nurse emailed me twice today to let me know that Brock had a headache and a sore throat, but since he wasn't running a fever, I could leave him at school and have him tough it out.

So I left him at school to tough it out. By the time the second email came, there was only an hour left of school.

But I forgot he had an 1 1/2 hour rehearsal after school for the Christmas concert, so he toughed that out too

I wasn't going to take him to wrestling, but he begged to tough that out too. So Curt gave him a dose of Tylenol to help the headache. I thought for sure since he wasn't feeling his best he wouldn't make this special wrestling team. But he made it.

So here I have been counting down the days until this busyness ended. But now it will last until December 19th. Tonight, we had wrestling, swimming, basketball, Upward evaluations, and a Beef Club meeting. Obviously I can't be in five places at once, so I couldn't get my kids everywhere they needed to be. My friend Brett and my friend Kristi were lifesavers by helping carpool my kids. Those are some awesome friends.

Losing My Job

On Fridays, my first-grader brings home a journal in which he has written a note to someone he will see over the weekend. Fridays are a big day for him as he reveals to whom he has written. Every Friday, I ask him when he will write to me. And every Friday, he answers, "Never." Then giggles, laughs, and runs off. And since he is so darn cute with his vampire-smile (he's missing his two front teeth which showcases his fang teeth quite nicely), I cut him some slack.

Today he shocked me and wrote to me. Here is his letter:

Dear Mom,

You are the best mom ever and can you lose your job please, Mom? Because I want to see you every day after school, because if you keep your job, sometimes I won't see you after school. So please lose your job.

Love,
Ryne

I fully expect him to write a letter similar to this one in about 8 years. It will go something like this:

Dear Mom,

You are the worst mom ever and can you lose your job please, Mom? Because I don't want to see you every day at school, because if you keep your job, I will always have see you at school. So please lose your job.

Love,
Ryne,

When you are a teacher in your kids' elementary school, they love seeing you every day. When you are a teacher in your kids' middle school, they pretend they don't like seeing you every day. And when you are a teacher in your kids' high school, they detest seeing you every day.

Which is why years ago as a naive teenager, I decided to become a high school teacher. I like ticking my kids off.

Board Meeting

Those two words strike fear deep down in my soul, giving me ulcers, sleepless nights, and visions of nasty phone calls and hate mail. Curt is at one of those tonight. But thankfully, the word in front of this board meeting is not "church." It is "Beef Club." Whew. I think I should be able to sleep tonight.

Seriously, though, Curt has re-entered the world of board meetings. Since his last experience wasn't exactly an enjoyable one and gave him a cynical wife and gray hair, I forbade him to ever be on another board. But I did give him a waiver for the Beef Club. Oh, and for our best friend's church plant, but he is not calling it a board. It is a "Transitional Leadership Team." But back to the Beef Club board meeting. It can't be that bad. I doubt people will send us hate mail and chew us out on the phone if the board decides that stalls need to be cleaned everyday. But you never know. Beef club people are passionate about their beef.

Of course, this whole post is sarcastic. Well, not the part about ulcers, sleepless nights, hate mail, and nasty phone calls. I am thrilled that Curt was elected to be a part of the Beef Club board. He is actually passionate about 4-H and all the amazing things it teaches you. I wasn't sold on it at first, but once I saw the real-life lessons my kids were learning from owning steers, I was hooked.

Beef Club is not for the weak-hearted. You know you will fall in love with them, only to let them go and experience a painful goodbye, right?

It is not for the lazy. You know you have to feed them daily in the dark in the dead of winter, only for them to be hungry again, right?

It is not for the queasy. You know you have to scoop their poop and make neat little piles with it and then load it into a manure spreader and "christen" your land, right?

It's like having kids. Except we don't eat our kids. But they do pee on our carpet.

A Great Love

John 15:13 - "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."

Our freedom is protected by the men & women who love us like Jesus loves us and are willing to die for us. Thank you, all of you, who sacrificially give of themselves to provide us with a safe place to live. Many have lost their lives for what we take for granted.

Today is set aside to remember those who have served, those who have died, and those who are still serving us today. We live our comfy lives in our comfy homes with our comfy families. They live on military bases, in war-ravaged countries, in extreme danger, separated from their comfy lives, comfy homes, and comfy families. Why do they do us? Because they love us and this country. How many of us are willing to do that?

One of my favorite movie quotes of all time: "You don't want the truth because deep down, in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that wall, you need me on that wall. We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use then as the backbone of a life trying to defend something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom I provide and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said "thank you," and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest that you pick up a weapon and stand a post." - A Few Good Men, 1992.

Thank a veteran today. They love you enough to die for you. Just like Jesus.

Blast from the Past

I stumbled upon thes pictures of Jon Bon Jovi on foxnews.com. I know. Weird that I found them there. Anyway, these are the exact posters of Bon Jovi I had hanging in my locker throughout 7th grade.Check out those frosted tips. 1986-87, baby.

December 19th

December 19th. That is my target date. It is the day when my life will hopefully slow down. It is also the next morning I get to sleep in. December 19th.

Until then, it is non-stop. Here's tonight:

The kids are currently finishing their homework. At 4:45, we leave home and head for Nappanee Elementary where I drop Brock & Ryne off at wrestling. I then head over to the high school, where Drew has swimming. I will stay at the high school and finish setting up for the marching band award banquet. I will stay for the banquet until Drew finishes swimming, around 7 pm. While I am at the banquet, Curt and Nicole will head over to Nappanee and pick up Brock & Ryne from wrestling, stop by home for a quick bite to eat, then over to the middle school for Nicole's basketball game. Drew and I will meet up with them at the middle school for Nicole's 7:30 game. The game will last an hour, after which we will return home and start the shower/bedtime cycle. Once the kids are in bed, I need to make cupcakes for Nicole's basketball practice tomorrow night. Then I will watch Monday Night Football until I can't keep my eyes open, then off to bed. Yet before I climb into bed, I will remember that tomorrow is class picture day and will tiptoe into each child's room and lay out their clothes for tomorrow. Then finally I will hit the hay.

Obviously, no laundry or housework will be completed today, which means tomorrow will be another day where I will carry the guilt of laundry mountains, dusty furniture, and questionable toilets.

It's Monday, but December 19th is coming.

Good Day

Today is a good day.

1. Nebraska won last night, beating their most bitter rival Oklahoma.
2. Overrated Iowa and Notre Dame lost.
3. Charlie Weiss will soon begin job-hunting.
4. It is 70 degrees and sunny in northern Indiana. In the front yard, Brock & Ryne are playing "Colts Football". Brock has on his Manning jersey, while Ryne is wearing his Addai jersey. They are role-playing very well. In the backyard, Curt, Drew, and Nicole are working with their steers.
   
5. Connection Worship was amazing. It seems like the worse our practices are on Wednesday nights, the more God shows up on Sunday mornings. Two services and EVERYTHING clicked musically. I love my team and their ability to usher us into the presence of God.
6. Nicole made the travel softball team.
7. Nicole learned a very difficult life lesson on sportsmanship, encouragement, competitiveness, and attitude yesterday. I am so proud of her! Although it was extremely difficult to swallow her pride, she spoke with every teammate and coach and apologized for some undesirable behavior on her part. She truly was heartbroken over her actions hurting her teammates. It was a painful lesson, but one well learned.
   

The Weekend

My thoughts on this weekend:

• Tonight, ESPN stations are airing Florida St/Clemson (both unranked) & Vanderbilt/Florida (will be a lopsided Gator victory over a 2-7 team). Our local ABC station is showing Cincinnati/UConn (UConn has a football team?) instead of Nebraska/Oklahoma (a legendary Big 12 rivalry with two pretty evenly matched teams). Nebraska/Oklahoma should be an exciting game, but I won't be able to see it because of the lame TV programmers who think this area of the country wants to watch Cincinnati play. We don't.
  
• Today, I am a Northwestern, Navy, Penn State, and LSU fan.
• Nicole has three basketball games today. We just returned from her first game, and will be leaving in a half hour for the next two.
• I am so excited to hang out with the ladies from my small group tonight. We are scrapbooking and eating Papa John's. I am hoping to stuff my face and get a couple pages completed in Ryne's never-been-touched baby book. I think he will like it when he opens his baby book and actually sees his picture in it.
  
• I am not looking forward to Connection tomorrow. The band completely stunk during rehearsal Wednesday night, and I am not sure if it will be any better tomorrow morning. There is so much talent there, but for some reason, it is not clicking. I sure hope it clicks tomorrow.
• Tomorrow afternoon, I will be attending our high school's fall play, Arsenic & Old Lace. Last time I saw this play, my oldest brother played the policeman in Bethel College's production back in the late 80s.
• We are having a baby shower for our cousin Joy tomorrow night. I am so excited for it! She now lives in Montana, so this will be the only time I get to see her baby tummy.
  

Extra Cash

One of the great things about working at the high school is the chance to earn some extra cash. Frequently, I receive emails asking for volleyball line judges, ticket-takers, SAT test proctors, etc. I take advantage when I can. Several weeks ago, I proctored the SAT and pocketed a nice wad of cash. However, that day turned sad as I had to leave the test a few minutes early to rush to the hospital as Curt lost his dad.

But back to the purpose of this post. Tonight, I will be taking tickets at the sectional championship football game. This is good for three reasons:

1. I get in for free.
2. I make money.
3. I can let my kids in for free.

At $5 a piece, it would cost $30 for our family to attend the game. Curt and I had decided that only he would buy a ticket and attend the game with my brother. Now, we all get to go. Of course, I won't see much of the game since I will be working, but once the crowds die down, I can view the game, or leave early if I or the kids get cold, and not feel guilty that we wasted $25.

Our Schedule

We are in the midst of four different sports teams. Nicole is playing on a 5th & 6th grade intramural basketball team called the Black Swish league. It is coordinated with our high school girls basketball program. She is also playing in a basketball league at the Elkhart Sports Center. Drew is swimming. Brock & Ryne are wrestling. They were involved in a basketball clinic ran by the high school boys basketball program in October, but thankfully that is over. Here is our basic weekly agenda, which does not include any extra activities that come with life:

Monday

• Brock & Ryne - wrestling practice 5:00-6:00 pm
• Drew - swimming practice 5:15-7:00 pm
• Nicole - Black Swish basketball practice or game 6:30-7:30 pm

Tuesday

• Nicole - sports center basketball practice 5:00-6:30 pm
  
• Drew - swimming practice 5:15-7:00
  
• Brock & Ryne - wrestling meet 5:30-7:30 pm

Wednesday

• Nicole & Drew - Younger Generation (elementary show choir) rehearsal 3:00-4:15 pm
• All of us - Church 6:45-8:00 pm
  
• Shelley - Connection worship band practice 8:00-10:00 pm

Thursday

• Drew - swimming practice 5:15-7:00 pm
  
• Brock & Ryne - wrestling meet 5:30-7:30 pm
• Nicole - Black Swish basketball practice or game 6:30-7:30 pm

Friday:

• Drew - swimming practice 5:15-7:00 pm if he has a swim meet that weekend
  

Saturdays:

• AM - Swim meet, Black Swish basketball game
• PM - Sports center double-header basketball games

Sundays:

• AM - Swim meet (although we are limiting Drew's Sunday morning swim meets to just a handful)
• PM - Sports center double-header basketball games

The bad news:

• We are not home before 7:30 pm every night.
• Come January, Drew will still be swimming and all four kids will be playing Upward basketball.
• Nicole did a tryout for a travel softball team that will start practicing in January, but so far we don't know if she made it or not.

The good news:

• Wrestling ends right before Thanksgiving.
• Black Swish basketball ends the 2nd week of December.
• Sports Center basketball ends before Christmas.
• Swimming ends in February.
• Upward basketball ends in March.
• Little League doesn't start until the end of April, giving us about 3 weeks off from sports unless Nicole makes the travel softball team.
• Maybe Nicole won't make the travel softball team. Just kidding!
  

I'm back. Well, maybe.

Okay, so I am surprised that more than two people actually read this blog. I'm honored that many people read this blog and let me know they missed it. So I am back, at least temporarily, to explain why my blog went missing for three weeks. One word: submission.

See, my hubby never really like that I had a blog. He is a pretty private person, and he didn't like that his life was so public. So I finally decided to be a submissive wife and deleted the blog. After I deleted it, he told me that I didn't have to. What? So I'm confused as to whether I am allowed to have a blog or not, and while I await my husband's decision, I have resurrected the blog to explain why it disappeared. And also so I can convince my husband to let me write one again. It's been driving me crazy! So much has happened, and facebook's limited characters just doesn't do it justice.

So, the blog is up. At least for now. And if it disappears again, please know that I didn't win on appeal.

The Final Goodbye

Today we will bury Curt's dad. This will be our final goodbye. As we go back to that same cemetery where so many of our loved ones are buried, I ache with the pain of it all. Curt's dad will be buried right next to Curt's Uncle Kip. These two men have had a significant impact on shaping Curt into the man he has become. To lose both of them in just a few months is so difficult. Also near Curt's dad will be our dear friend Lisa and our dear friends' baby Aleigha. So much grief in the past year, so much love for these who have left us, and so much love and hurt for those who are still grieving the loss of their loved ones. We are grieving with them, as we love all of them so much.

More Things I Learned

Two profound things I learned today as we said goodbye to Curt's dad:

1. I feel so loved. I am in awe of how many people showered us with love these past few days. Whether through a kind word, note, card, text, facebook message, flowers, food, a hug, or simply their presence at the hospital, viewing, or funeral, I can never put to words the love I have felt. "Thank you" just doesn't seem appropriate. Words truly cannot express how blessed I am by the people who reached out to us over these difficult five days. You may not have thought your quick visit to the viewing was much, but it spoke volumes to us. That trip to the hospital you made to be with us at our lowest point gave us the strength we needed to face the next day. The hugs you gave and the tears you cried with us at the viewing or funeral showed us that we were loved. That card you sent, the text or facebook message you typed, the plant you ordered, the food you prepared, the viewing or funeral dinner you served & cleaned up, the kind words, the "I love you"s. Even simple things such as helping us load our car or taking our kids to their sports practices. All of that. It may not seem like much to you, but to us, it meant the world. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. All of it was noticed. All of it was appreciated. All of it helped us through these dark days. All of it. Thank you, all of you. You will never know how much it meant to us. We are truly thankful and blessed.
2. Losing someone shows you who your real friends are. I have amazing God-given friends & family whose compassion, kindness, service, and sympathy were there for me. Even those friends & family who couldn't be with us in person made a special effort to show their love by remembering us with a simple card or basket of flowers. And those friends & family who could be with us in person showered us with so much love that I am in awe. I needed them these past five days, and they were there for me. Wow. I am blessed.